Ode to a Carbonated Beverage

By Michael Watt

I attended my first college fair as a parent earlier this week and quite frankly I went in there thinking, “If nothing else, I should be able to get a column out of this.”

Alas and alack: After hours of trying the only thing I can come up with is, “Boo hoo my kid’s going off to college. Now I feel old because it seems like just last week I was going off to college and blah blah blah.” Nobody wants to read that and I certainly don’t feel like writing it.

As I contemplated what else I might want to write about, however, I poured myself a tall glass of seltzer. Now there’s something worth writing about: seltzer. It just sounds funny.

I love my seltzer. I can drink it all day and it doesn’t make me nauseous or jumpy or stupid like so many other beverages I can name. Right now under my desk is a case and a half of the stuff and I don’t have to count the bottles after I’ve been out of the house for a while to determine if my impressionable young sons got the urge to “experiment” and “explore” in my absence.

It’s fun to drink, too. If I drink a big glass quickly, for instance, I can almost always count on a huge belch ensuing. Sometimes all you need to break up your day and/or lighten the mood is a good belch. As my son Max likes to say, “Some things never get old.”

It can be a pain in the neck to order in restaurants, though, especially when I’m out with a group of friends (like that ever happens) or at a business dinner (more likely). Most folks order something cool or adult sounding, like “I’ll have a glass of Chardonnay,” or “I’ll take an unsweetened Iced Tea.” When it comes around to me I order my seltzer and for some reason I almost always have to repeat myself. Sometimes I think they think I’m saying salsa, which wouldn’t make any sense for obvious reasons. It doesn’t matter, though, because invariably they bring me club soda anyway.

Now, not too many people know that there is a difference between seltzer and club soda, primarily because not too many people care. I know I didn’t know, or care, until I was in my late teenss. I was filling in as a bartender at a Bar Mitzvah when one of the party attendees asked me for a seltzer. Not knowing (or caring) I poured him a club soda. He called me on it and when I asked – probably in a not-very-nice-way – what the difference was, he was kind enough to explain that seltzer has no sodium in it while club soda is rife with the stuff. He also explained that seltzer is Kosher and club soda is not. Unfortunately he explained this to me after several other party patrons were served club soda thinking it was seltzer.

Is that a big deal? Let’s put it this way: You don’t know guilt until you’ve discovered that several very nice folks may have to spend a few extra days in whatever it is Jewish people consider hell because their paths crossed with a brash, unthinking Gentile.

Seltzer can also be a pain because it’s not something most folks have on hand. I have gotten into the habit, therefore, of bringing my own seltzer with me on those rare occasions when I get invited to someone else’s home. You can just imagine how impressed my hosts are when I whip out two liters of “Vintage” or “Zazz.” Nothing screams “cheapskate” and “oh, this ought to be a laugh riot” like store-brand seltzer. (Don’t even get me started on what it’s like to show up at an all-night poker game packing a night’s supply of seltzer when everyone else is lugging in 12-packs of beer. Let’s just say I’m lucky they let me sit at the table).

Being a seltzer aficionado beyond the tri-state area can also be problematic. Anytime I go away on a business trip, for instance, the first thing I do when I get to my destination city is head to a local convenience store to stock up on the stuff I forgot to pack – a toothbrush, matching socks, a re-charger for my cell phone, etc. I also like to buy the basic food staples - bananas, chocolate and cookies - I need to get me through the next couple of days. I would get some seltzer, too, but for some reason seltzer does not exist west of the Hudson. I am sure it is just a coincidence but my rule of thumb is, “If you can’t find any good bagel places in the neighborhood then there’s not going to be any seltzer on the supermarket shelves, either."

Drinking seltzer does have its advantages. There are no calories, for instance, and I have never consumed excessive quantities of the stuff and then surrendered to the urge to call an old friend collect in the middle of the night. My only hope is that my older boy embraces my passion for seltzer when he goes away to college because it seems like only yesterday I was going off to college and I can tell you now the carbonated beverage I wrote odes to back then was definitely not seltzer.

Thank for you for reading this column.