Mr. Long Island Humor Column: Sin City? More like Sad City

BY MICHAEL WATT

Las Vegas has jumped the shark.

I am sorry to be the one to break the bad news to you all, but it is true. Las Vegas is no longer the coolest place on the face of the Earth. If anything, it’s a glorified theme park with card games instead of roller coasters. It’s sad, really, especially considering the current state of New Orleans. There is a tremendous void in the realm of hip and happening across the United States, which is why my experience earlier this week in Sin City was all the more depressing.

I left for Vegas last Saturday morning for a business conference. I’d be lying if I said I was not looking forward to my little sojourn, even if it was business related. It was raining hard when I left JFK yet 80 degrees and sunny five hours later when I landed at McCarran Airport. My excitement was stoked further when I saw my first bank of one-armed bandits, right there waiting to greet me like a money-grubbing relative as I went from the gate to the baggage claim. Before I even picked up my luggage I went over to stake my claim to the millions I was sure to win gambling.

At this point I realized that the slot machines no longer took quarters. I had to start with a dollar bill, which disappeared faster than Harriet Miers is about to. Plus you don’t even have to pull the lever anymore. Just push a button and watch those silly things spin around. That’s about as much fun as using an ATM machine and just as enriching. This Vegas thing was not going well.

This trip marked my third journey to Vegas. I first went as a reporter fresh out of college, assigned to cover the industrial fabric industry’s annual convention in 1982. My most prevalent recollection of the trip – besides being painfully hungover, having spent the night before visiting my sister and her friends up at Fairfield University – was seeing beautiful, statuesque even, waitresses walking around carrying trays of free beer. I thought my head was going to explode. Vegas was on the last legs of the Rat Pack era back then, but the city was still cool because Frankie, Deano and Sammy were still alive.

Nearly 18 years later I was lucky enough to go on a three-day, all-expenses paid trip to Vegas with my wife, Sharon. Although the city by this time had swung full force into family mode, it was still a lot of fun and almost as cool. Of course, anything’s cool when somebody else is paying for it. The only thing harder to get than tickets to see Wayne Newton was tickets to see Siegfried & Roy.

Fast forward to this past weekend. The biggest headliner was Barry Manilow, of all people. Manilow is to Las Vegas cool what Jm. J. Bullock brings to the acting profession. Somewhere the Rat Pack is spinning in their respective graves, except of course for Joey Bishop, who is still alive. He only wishes he was dead. And then there is the class of people going to Vegas these days. From what I could see, the crowds walking the streets and clamoring through the casinos were no different than what you might see at your typical American mall on any given Saturday afternoon, the only difference being they were drinking daiquiris instead of Orange Julius. No more statuesque waitresses serving scotch and water. Rather, all I saw were nice ladies who in a prior era would be found working the local IHOP. While there is nothing wrong with that, per se, it just wasn’t the Vegas I knew and loved. It was all kind of sad, like realizing the Prom Queen from your senior year in high school was now the lunch room lady in the school cafeteria.

That is not to say my trip did not have its amusing moments. One night I stayed out way past my bedtime and as a result I found myself walking the streets of Sin City around 2:30 in the am (I did not know the monorail / mass transit system shut down at 2 am and I am way to cheap to spring for a cab). As I was walking – still a good mile away from my hotel – I realized I had to go to the bathroom. Bad. And not number one, if you know what I mean. How ironic. Before I left for Vegas everybody and their brother reminded me with a wink and a giggle that “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” but I am sure nobody had having an accident in your pants in mind when they said it.

So there I was, trying to stay cool, calm, collected and clean while striding as fast as I could. I finally got to the lobby of my hotel and tried to get through there as furtively as possible when these two prostitutes caught my eye. At least I think they were prostitutes. If they weren’t then I made a hell of a first impression. They called out, “Hey sexy, looking for a good time?” I did not reply, of course, but I did laugh and kept moving. Just my luck, I figured. My whole life I’ve been looking for a good time and when the opportunity presents itself I’m waiting for the elevator, squeezing my cheeks like Richard Simmons on a blind date.

I made it to my room and the fact that I did was the highlight of my trip, which ought to tell you something. I am sure Vegas will continue to draw the crowds and rake in the big bucks. Not me and not my money, however. Not unless the Rat Pack comes back from the dead.

Thank you for reading this column. [2005-10-28]

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We are looking for Long Islanders interested in joining our blog to participate in blogging on a variety of topics, i.e. parenting, seniors, schools, sports, dating, pets, food, shopping, etc. Do you have a special interest or hobby you would like to share with Long Island? Tell us about you and your area of interest. Please leave your name, town and email.

Mr. Long Island's humor column: Living The Sump Pump Life

BY MICHAEL WATT

For 46 years I lived my life happily and purposely oblivious to what a sump pump is and how it works. Then came the rain. Eight-straight days of rain – nine if you live on the East End – and as a result the vast majority of Long Island homeowners either fired up their sump pumps or, like me, got a quick tutorial in how they work.

I tried like hell, quite frankly, to avoid having to do this. I saw the acquisition of a sump pump and the subsequent learning how to use same as the sole slice of maturation and adulthood I had managed to avoid. Let’s put it this way – when you were 23 and having fun did you know or care about sump pumps? Me neither. But now? Now when the other fellas on the block discuss the sump pumps in their homes I pretend to know what they are talking about. I may have even exaggerated my experiences with a sump pump on occasion, out of fear that the guys would think less of me if they knew of my sump pump innocence – that I couldn’t tell a sump pump from a water heater, much less ever used one. In fact, up until last week all I ever knew about sump pumps is that to need one is a bad thing.

That’s why I was particularly relieved when my wife, Sharon, called me on Friday afternoon to tell me there was water in the basement. “It’s not too bad,” she said, “but get a Wet Vac on your way home from work.” The breath I held when she mentioned the water in the basement turned into an exhale of relief when she mentioned the Wet Vac. Wet Vacs I can handle, and they make a lot of noise so there is an element of manliness involved when you use it. But I was petrified that she was going to suggest I get a sump pump because, as I mentioned, I had no idea what was involved in using such a thing.

My relief was short lived, unfortunately, once I got to Home Depot. First, the parking lot was flooded and it was still raining pretty heavily – not a good sign. Another bad sign – this one right in the entrance - said the store was out of sump pumps. Since so many other people had purchased sump pumps I knew this was no ordinary rain storm and my gut was telling me that this just might be the weekend when my life as I knew it – sump pump free – was over. Ironically, the store was out of Wet Vacs, too, so the chase was on. Sharon would call different hardware stores and Home Depots from the house and asked if they had a Wet Vac. Then she would call me on the cell and send me there like we were playing Pac-Man and she was the joy stick and I was the little chompy guy. (How did people deal with crises before cell phones?). After a few unsuccessful forays we found a hardware store in Deer Park that had one Wet Vac left, and while I was there the phone must have rung a dozen times, each time a desperate soul was on the other end, looking for a sump pump. Not a Wet Vac. I could feel the walls closing in.

When I got home with my Wet Vac the water was now up to about two inches and I knew then that my new toy was going to be as useless as a Lieutenant Governor. Since it was still raining Friday night I convinced Sharon to wait until Saturday morning to start the dehydration process, using the logic that there was no sense in getting rid of the water if it was still coming in but secretly hoping that something miraculous would happen overnight and the water would be gone by daybreak.

So much for wishful thinking. By Saturday morning the water was halfway up my shins, and very cold I might add. I kept telling myself it could have been worse, it could have been Katrina and Anderson Cooper could be at my door, looking to help. That worked the first few hundred times. Then we started to hear the horror stories from the neighbors. Six inches. A foot. Two feet. Four feet. Yikes! I’ll bet you all those folks know what a sump pump is.

Once I realized that the water in the basement was not going to disappear by magic I began to scratch my head as to what to do next, given that there was not a sump pump to be had in the Northern Hemisphere. Fortunately for me, as he has done on so many occasions my father in law, Jack, came to the rescue with a pump. Now, my father in law is a man’s man so not only does he know what a sump pump is, he knows how they actually work. He also knew not to expect me to know. We get along just fine in that regard.

So Jack came by on Sunday afternoon just to make sure that the water was done rising (“no point in pumping out the ocean” he said on more than occasion) and we got the thing going. Just plug it in here and stick the hose out there and voila! The water started gushing out. And gushing out. And gushing out. I have never see so much water inside a house like that. At any given moment I half-expected to come across The Incredible Mr. Limpet. The basement is still a mess, the washing machine conked out and the house is totally discombobulated, but all in all we fared rather well. And last night we bought a pump. Not a sump pump, mind you – you have to crawl before you can walk – but a pump nonetheless. Today I am a man.

Thank you for reading this column. [2005-10-21]

Do you feel safe in your Long Island neighborhood?

We live in a affluent community and pay extremely high taxes to do so. You hear countless stories of home invasions, buglary and crime. Do you feel relatively safe in your own neighborhood? Please provide your town if commenting to this post.

Water Blogged on Long Island

The unrelenting rain has caused flooding across Long Island. How are you holding up? Leave your comments and tell us where you are located and how you are weathering the storm.

Mr. Long Island's humor column: Procrastination 101

BY MICHAEL WATT

Is it possible for a plastic comb and a sheet of wax paper to change the course of one’s life?

It’s hard to fathom and somewhat humbling to admit this but as far as my life is concerned I believe the answer is yes. When I was in the third grade at St. Willy’s in Seaford each member of Sr. Cornelius’s class had to build a musical instrument as a project. I hated those class projects because I knew they would not go over too big at home. Let’s put it this way: if I was in third grade that meant my brother Dan was in fifth, Ed was in seventh, Ray was in first and my sister Joanie was in kindergarten. Jim and Peg were in high school. Joseph was a toddler and Mary Ann was maybe a year old and in diapers. (It would be a couple of years before Katie, Jon, Jeanne and Ann would make the scene). Get the picture? The last thing my mother wanted or needed to get involved with was school projects. So getting it done was up to me.

For whatever reason I put it off. And off. And off…until I found myself with the “it’s Monday morning and my project’s due” sweats. I did not know what to do but I did know enough not to tell my mother – doing so would have meant a fate far worse than anything this side of those old “Why kill yourself because you missed the last issue of Mad Magazine” subscription ads.” I shared my dilemma with brother, Jim. Being older and wiser and a high school sophomore he knew exactly what to do. “Not to worry,” he said, and with that he reached into a kitchen cabinet and pulled out a sheet of wax paper. Next, he took the plastic comb from his back pocket (what ever happened to carrying around a comb in your back pocket, anyway?), folded the wax paper over the comb, pressed it to his lips and hummed. Voila! My very own kazoo -- instant musical instrument.

Greatly relieved and rather excited I ran off to the school bus and entertained the masses for the mile-and-a-half ride to school. “Wow,” I thought. I am really on to something here. Sure enough, my homemade kazoo was the hit of the class, bigger even than John Hammer’s cigar-box-and-rubber-band guitar (what an amateur!) and Chris Eaton’s matchbox replica of Ben Franklin’s armonica, built to scale and complete with miniaturized spinning glasses and a brass crank (how crass). I played louder than everyone else, no doubt, and got an ‘A’ for my efforts, or lack thereof.

If the world were right and fair and just the teacher would have seen through my ruse and I would have gotten an ‘F’ for the project and learned my lesson accordingly. But no. I had tasted the sweet nectar of dodging a bullet and I was hooked. I was doomed to a lifetime of writing book reports based on the book jacket on the morning they were due while riding the bus to school and to improvising essays comparing and contrasting the ancient religions of Mesopotamia. Shovel please! (yes, I know – 30 years later and I am still stealing lines from Robert Klein). But she didn’t. Sr. Cornelius was just this side of insane and a few beads short of a Rosary, with all due respect, so I picked up a very bad habit at a very young age.

Now, there is no guarantee that if the teacher had seen through my indolence I would have spent the next 30 years of my life putting re-enforcements on my loose leaf (last Klein line, I promise). But you have to wonder sometimes. At least I do. How would my life have changed if I had not pulled off the Kazoo Caper? Who knows.

It does amaze me how one seemingly unpleasant task becomes so much more attractive when compared to another. My roommate in college said he could always tell when I had a paper due or a test coming up because that was the only time he ever saw me clean my room. Ah, college. It was so much easier to procrastinate in college as even the worst case of procrastination could be cured with a pot of coffee and an all-nighter. I think some schools nowadays expect it of you and build it into the program by prohibiting the professors from assigning anything to be due the last week of class. The next thing you know procrastination will be part of the curriculum. Now THERE’s a course I could teach: “Class, today we will discuss the merits of Starbucks versus Red Bull for that all night rush. And don’t forget your term paper: Fifteen pages on the theme, “Why take your time and do it now when you can rush through it 24 hours before it is due.” Now those topics are kazoo music to my ears.

Thank you for reading this column. [2005-10-13]

Senior Resources - Feedback please

We would like to build resources for seniors on Long Island. Please comment with any information you have on reputable care failities, activites and groups for seniors that you may know of and where they are located. Also, category ideas for this section that you might find useful and interesting.

Parenting Topic - Playgroups for Kids

Are there any parents out their interested in starting a playgroup in your area? Have you done any research as far as Web sites that are already established for setting up playgroups? Do you know of any sites that have established playgroups for the Long Island, NY area. If so, please provide details, or provide comments if you are interested in joining a Long Island playgroup, i.e. age of your children, location, etc.

Blog, blog, blog, blog, blog...what the heck is a blog anyway?

A blog is an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called Weblog, Web log according to Dictionary.com

Well, we have decided to throw some ideas out and let you comment on them. Let's see what interests Long Islanders and what do they want to talk about? So, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog away.

First topic of discussion is the topic...tell us what you want to chat about?

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BEST PIZZA ON LONG ISLAND CONTEST & FESTIVAL

The Best Pizza on Long Island Contest & Festival is an annual event put together by LongIsland.com to promote local pizzerias and at the same time raise funds for a good cause.

A portion of the proceeds goes to Long Island Cares and Island Harvest, non-profit organizations dedicated to feeding the hungry on Long Island.

The 3rd Annual Best Pizza on Long Island Festival and Bake-Off was held on Saturday, October 1, 2005 at Adventureland Family Fun Park.

Pizzeria finalists were the top contenders as voted by Long Islanders in the Best Pizza on Long Island Contest. Visitors to the site were able to vote for their favorite pizza by entering their votes on the Web site. The top five pizzerias were invited down for the final taste test and judging at the Long Island Pizza Festval / Bake-Off.

...AND THE WINNERS ARE

 Best 'REGULAR' Pizza
Gigante's Pizza of Oceanside

 Best 'SICILIAN' Pizza
Prince Umberto's of Franklin Square

 Best 'MARINARA' Pizza
Gigante's Pizza of Oceanside

 Best 'GRANDMA' Pizza
Spassos Pizzeria of Wantagh*

 Best 'SPECIALTY' Pizza
Prince Umberto's of Frankin Square**

*Spassos Pizza of Wantagh won for Best Grandma Pizza. In addition, Spassos was deemed 'Best Overall' in the Long Island Pizza Contest. Spassos was honored by Joe Carlucci, World Champion Pizza Acrobat to represent the World Pizza Champions in the World Pizza Championships to be held in Salsomaggiore, Italy in April, 2006. Spassos receives an all-expense paid trip to Italy representing the United States and sponsored by the World Pizza champions, Inc. For more information go to: http://www.worldpizzachampions.com

**Prince Umberto's Pizza of Franklin Square won in two categories, Best Sicilian and Best Specialty Pizza. As a special honor Prince Umberto's will go on to compete in the American Pizza Championships. The winner from the American Pizza Championships competition goes on to compete representing the US in the America's Plate, an International Competition held at Pizza Marketing Quarterly (PMQ) New York Pizza Show on November 1-2, 2005. For more information about the New York Pizza Show, go to http://www.newyorkpizzashow.com

It was an awesome fun-filled day with pizza related activites for everyone. Event goers were able to sample slices of pizza prepared by the participating pizzerias. Activities for the kids included mini-pie making which, was sponsored by Paradiso Pizza of Mount Sinai. Pizza Pup was on hand to help the kid's roll out their dough and prepare their pizza. Once the mini-pies were baked, the kid were able to enjoy their creations.

Joe Carlucci, of the World Champion Pizza Acrobats was among the panel of celebrity judges. In between taste testing, he WOWed the crowd with an amazing demonstration of pizza dough tossing.

During the Pizza Eating Contest, the crowd cheered on the contestants as they gobbled up pizza. "Skinny Mike" Hoffman, the long shot, surprised the crowd by being the first to finish an entire pizza. Mike took home the coveted Golden Pizza Slicer Award, a gift certificate, t-shirt and $100. Runners up also received prizes.

Bonanza Italian Ices was on hand with a delicious assortment of gourmet italian ices to compliment the variety of pizzas offered at the festival.

Albert's II Pizza of West Babylon volunteered their time and donated supplies to make pizza for the hungry crowds.

Marsal & Sons provided the Pizza Ovens for the day. Cremosa Foods helped to get the word out about the contest to the pizzerias. They also provided supplies and refrigeration. Adventureland hosted the event and their dedicated staff made sure everything ran smoothly.

Sponsors include Party Pizzazz, event planning services; World Champion Pizza Acrobats; Adventureland Family Fun Park; Cremosa Foods; Marsal & Sons, Inc. Pizza Ovens and WBAB Radio Station.

This is an officially sanction event by Pizza Marketing Quarterly Magazine (PMQ) as a preliminary competition to the American Pizza Championships.

Supporters, donations, volunteers and friends are gratefully acknowledged for helping to make this event possible.

Special thanks to Bonanza Italian Ices, Target Marketing & Design, The Printing Experience of Seaford, Bill Moseley of BBA Photography, Pizza Pup, Marriott Vacation Club, Hofstra Film Crew, our panel of Celebrity Judges and all of our wonderful volunteers.

Contributing pizzerias included:

- Albert’s II Pizza of West Babylon
- Gigante's Pizza of Oceanside
- Nina's Pizza of Northport
- Paradiso Pizza of Mount Sinai
- Pietro's Pizza of East Meadow
- Prince Umberto's Pizza of Franklin Square
- Spassos Pizza of Wantagh

These pizzerias not only make awesome pizza, but they are proud supporters of the Long Islander community. So, next time you are hungry for pizza tell them LongIsland.com sent you!

Next year's contest will begin Spring 2006. Check LongIsland.com for updates and more information about the Best Pizza on Long Island Contest 2006.

Festival Photos
View 2004 Festival Video

Who makes the best pizza on Long Island?

BEST PIZZA ON LONG ISLAND WINNERS ARE...

The 3rd Annual Best Pizza on Long Island Festival and Bake-Off was held on Saturday, October 1, 2005 at Adventureland Family Fun Park.

Pizzeria finalists were the top contenders as voted by Long Islanders in the Best Pizza on Long Island Contest. Visitors to the site were able to vote for their favorite pizza by entering their votes on the Web site at http://www.longisland.com/bestpizza. The top five pizzerias in each category were invited down for the final taste test and judging at the Long Island Pizza Festival & Bake-Off.

AND THE WINNERS ARE...

• Best Regular Pizza
  Gigante's Pizza of Oceanside
  
  
• Best Sicilian Pizza
  Prince Umberto's of Franklin Square
  
  
• Best Marinara Pizza
  Gigante's Pizza of Oceanside
  
  
• Best Grandma Pizza
  Spassos Pizzeria of Wantagh*
  
  
• Best Specialty Pizza
  Prince Umberto's of Frankin Square**
  

Each pizzeria generously donated their time, supplies and expertise to make this a fun-filled day for all who attended. Participating pizzerias received Official LongIsland.com "Best Of Long Island" Awards and gift certificates for food supplies from Cremosa Foods.

Spassos Pizza of Wantagh won for Best Grandma Pizza. In addition, Spassos was deemed 'Best Overall' in the Long Island Pizza Contest. Spassos was honored by Joe Carlucci, World Champion Pizza Acrobat to represent the World Pizza Champions in the World Pizza Championships to be held in Salsomaggiore, Italy in April, 2006. Spassos receives an all-expense paid trip to Italy representing the United States and sponsored by the World Pizza champions, Inc. For more information go to: http://www.worldpizzachampions.com


**Prince Umberto's Pizza of Franklin Square won in two categories, Best Sicilian and Best Specialty Pizza. As a special honor Prince Umberto's will go on to compete in the American Pizza Championships. The winner from the American Pizza Championships competition goes on to compete representing the US in the America's Plate, an International Competition held at Pizza Marketing Quarterly (PMQ) New York Pizza Show on November 1-2, 2005. For more information about the New York Pizza Show, go to http://www.newyorkpizzashow


The Best Pizza on Long Island Contest & Festival is an annual event put together by LongIsland.com to promote local pizzerias and at the same time raise funds for a good cause. A portion of the proceeds go to Long Island Cares and Island Harvest, non-profit organizations dedicated to feeding the hungry on Long Island.

Next year's contest will begin Spring 2006. Check the Web site at http://www.longisland.com/bestpizza/ for updates and more information about the Best Pizza on Long Island Contest 2006.